Los Angeles, CA – Forget The Craft and Charmed – the real teen witch movie that hexed an entire generation of gay kids was 2006’s The Covenant, and it’s time to crown it the unofficial Queer Oscar winner for “Most Unintentional Homoerotic Masterpiece.” Directed by Renny Harlin, this supernatural thriller about four shirt-allergic warlocks at elite Spenser Academy is basically “Pretty Little Liars” meets “The Craft” but make it SUPER GAY – and the internet is finally giving it the cult worship it deserves.
Starring baby-faced icons Sebastian Stan (Caleb’s brooding bestie Chase), Steven Strait (shirtless king Caleb), Taylor Kitsch (bad-boy Pogue), and Chace Crawford (pretty-boy Tyler), the film is 97 minutes of magic eye-f*cks, locker-room lingering, and power-sharing rituals that look suspiciously like foreplay. Need proof? The infamous pool scene – four glistening abs in slow-mo, water dripping like liquid lust – has racked 18 million views on TikTok this month alone, with Gen Z dubbing it “Accio Daddy Issues!”
Plot? Four descendants of Ipswich witches battle a fifth warlock while flexing pecs and trading “I’ll use you” lines that sound straight out of a Grindr bio. The sexual tension is so thick you could cut it with a wand – Stan’s smolder at Strait could power Hogwarts. As one viral X thread screams: “They’re exchanging magical essence? Bro, that’s just topping with extra steps.”
Critics in 2006 panned it (23% Rotten Tomatoes), but queer Twitter resurrected it as “the gay awakening we didn’t know we needed.” Stan, now MCU’s Winter Soldier, laughs in interviews: “We were just four dudes in towels – who knew?” Kitsch (fresh off Friday Night Lights thirst) adds: “The eye contact? Method acting… or something.”
The Covenant didn’t win Oscars, but it gave twinks everything: abs, angst, and accidental queer coding. One fan edit syncs the spider-crawl chase to Charli XCX’s “360,” captioned “Witch boy summer never ended.” Stream it on Netflix – grab holy water and a cold shower. Sometimes a flop becomes a flame for the culture. Mission accomplished, warlocks.
