Los Angeles, CA – The Covenant (2006) isn’t just a movie; it’s the accidental gay teen witch bible that rewired an entire generation’s sexuality. Directed by Renny Harlin and starring four future heartthrobs, this supernatural thriller about warlock bros at a prep school is “Pretty Little Liars” + “The Craft” but make it FULL FRONTAL TENSION – and queer Twitter is finally crowning it the unofficial Queer Oscar winner for “Most Unhinged Homoerotic Cult Classic.”
Sebastian Stan (Chase), Taylor Kitsch (Pogue), Steven Strait (Caleb), and Chace Crawford (Tyler) play the Sons of Ipswich – four shirt-phobic witches who “ascend” at 18 and share magical powers through intimate rituals that look suspiciously like foreplay. The dialogue? Pure Grindr code: “I’ll use you,” “You feel that?” and “It’s in me now” – lines so loaded they could hex your browser history. The pool scene? Four glistening abs in slow-mo, water dripping like liquid lust – has 22 million TikTok views this month, with Gen Z screaming “Accio Thirst Trap!”
Plot? Evil fifth warlock wants their power. Real plot? Eye-sex so potent it broke 2006. Stan’s smolder at Strait could power a cauldron. Kitsch’s bad-boy smirk? Lethal. Crawford’s pretty-boy pout? Iconic. One viral X thread: “They’re exchanging essence? Bro, that’s just topping with extra steps.”
Critics hated it (23% RT), but queer culture resurrected it. Stan, now MCU’s Winter Soldier, laughs: “We were just four dudes in towels – who knew?” Kitsch (Tim Riggins thirst king) adds: “The eye contact? Method… or something.” The film gave twinks everything: abs, angst, and accidental queer coding. One fan edit syncs the spider-crawl chase to Charli XCX’s “360,” captioned “Witch boy summer never ended.”
Stream it on Netflix – grab holy water and a cold shower. The Covenant didn’t win Oscars, but it won gay awakening 101. Mission accomplished, warlocks.
